My Dating Life Was a Disaster, Until I Decided to Practice Orthodox Judaism

To say that my journey to meeting my husband was a train-wreck, is an understatement.
I grew up in a secular Jewish family in a small suburb of Philadelphia in the 80s. From playing with Barbie and Ken to the steady diet of Disney movies and romcoms, I was raised as an American pre-teen and teen. I always dreamed of marrying a great guy—yet I found that the environment I was in, in college and then the metropolitan singles scene, only made marriage feel impossibly far away.
There was such a lack of respect for women, and the guys I was meeting seemed so disingenuous and focused on the wrong things. I felt that they certainly didn’t care to get to know me as a person, let alone want to get married. I started to think that maybe I’d never find my Prince Charming and get my happily ever after.
Following that, I spent two years in Paris getting my master’s degree and decided to see if the French dating scene was any different. Pas vraiment—not really.
After leaving France, I came to New York City, where I met Orthodox Jews for the first time in my life and was introduced to the Jewish way of dating.
I discovered that instead of dating for fun and realizing six months—or six years—later that you’re incompatible, Orthodox Jews first determine compatibility and only afterwards start investing emotionally. They don’t do “Netflix and chill,” rather they have deep, concrete conversations to see if they’re compatible.
I also learned that doing research beforehand enables you to be selective and only date people who are realistic candidates. In the Orthodox world, they make sure the prospective match shares your values, goals, and vision for the future, and doesn’t have any of your deal-breakers. This is usually done by exchanging “dating resumes” and calling references—both on and off-resume.
And most importantly, I found out that Orthodox Jews who are dating don’t touch each other until marriage. Taking the physical off the table enables you to evaluate a date without your brain being clouded by oxytocin—the “bonding hormone” and dopamine—the “reward hormone”. A mentor explained to me: would you ever buy a used car if you were drunk or high? No—because you’d get a lemon.
I remember this hitting me like a ton of bricks . This way of dating is genius! How many heartbreaks this would have saved me. I wanted in.
Eventually, I adopted the Jewish way of dating. I also realized that since Judaism had so much wisdom regarding dating and relationships, perhaps it had wisdom in other areas as well. This led me to becoming fully Orthodox—adopting the laws of eating kosher, keeping the Sabbath, and dressing modestly.
My dating journey was not over, however. I was 26, living and working in NYC, and going on endless dates. Unfortunately, I was so jaded, cynical, and discouraged by this point in my dating life that I was ready to settle for someone I was incompatible with. I had basically given up.
People kept telling me I would never find what I was looking for, and I felt betrayed by my heart. It had led me astray so many times. Maybe I really did need to make a decision with only my head? I was set up on a “shidduch,” which is an arranged blind date. He was a nice guy. He would make a good father. I figured that was enough. After only seven dates, we got engaged.
After a month of arguing, I ended up realizing he had some of my dealbreakers, and I broke it off. I remember thinking, OK, that’s it, I’m never getting married. I was on the brink of despair.
And then, three months later, a nice man approached me in synagogue at Shabbat services on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. We ended up going out on our first date later that night, and I realized he was the synthesis of what I had been searching for—the key attributes on my non-negotiables list and he was cute and fun to hang out with. I had found my mensch. We got married. That was 25 years ago.
I decided to become a dating coach in 2012 to help other women avoid the mistakes I made—to navigate the dating journey in a smarter, easier way and find their husband with clarity and confidence.
Transforming my pain into my purpose and passion and helping women to go from hopeless to happy has been really gratifying and has brought meaning to my challenging journey.
Part of my job is to transmit hope, optimism and confidence in the women I work with. Many clients get to me after years of failed relationships, and have a hard time imagining that the right person is out there. But as my mother always used to tell me, you only need one.
Now that I’ve helped over 300 clients marry their soulmates, my dream is to share these ideas with the world. As women, we need to reclaim our feminine power and not settle for less than we deserve.
Wisdom is rarely attained without struggle. Do I wish I hadn’t had to go through all the pain before meeting my husband? For sure. But the experiences I went through make me appreciate him more, and also enable me now to help others—which is immensely gratifying.
Devorah Kigel is a successful dating and marriage coach who has helped close to 300 women marry their soulmates, and also a popular speaker to diverse audiences. Devorah’s first book “Marry a Mensch: Timeless Jewish Wisdom for Today’s Single Woman” will be published by Gefen in 2024.
All views expressed are the author’s own.
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